


Labels

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, dan howell thinking, just him thinking about all the labels he has, thats it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 05:23:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11329428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Daniel Howell doesn't let labels define him. He does what he wants to do. He wears what he wants to wear. But he knows there's already too many labels stuck on him. And maybe they are like sticker but unfortunately you can't just rip them off the same way.(And maybe some of them are important and he doesn't want to rip them off anyway.)





	Labels

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i am sorry if there are any mistakes, english is not my first language.  
> also it took quite a lot of rewriting to put my thoughts into words and of course i dont know how dan feels but i like to pretend i know and write about it.

Dan didn’t like labels. He said it so many times already. It was like putting stickers on people. And others saw them and judged you before even greeting you.

He put so many stickers on himself before and even now.

He was a “youtuber”, making money out of people watching his videos and for some people it could mean also a person who sometimes makes a stupid video and then just lies around and does nothing.

He was “white” “male” and he couldn’t do anything with it. He tried so hard to promote breaking gender roles and he loved all his followers no matter the colour, gender, age or sexuality. But some people still looked at him and saw a white male who can have everything he wants so his opinion doesn’t matter because it’s probably stupid. And they were right he was who he was and so the only thing he could do was promote equality and support others. And he tried. Every week actually. And hoped his liveshows helped at least someone.

When he was younger he used to say he was “bi”. He dated some girls and then there was Phil and when he found out this term exists he was so happy. He fitted somewhere. He wasn’t alone. There were people like him who experienced the same things and felt the same way.

But as time progressed being “bi” didn’t cover his feelings. It felt wrong to use it. He wasn’t “gay”, he wasn’t “straight”, he searched and he wasn’t “pan” or “ace” or anything. He was 26 and he again didn’t fit anywhere. And how can he be a role model for his followers if he doesn’t understand himself? If he doesn’t know what he’s doing? How can he give inspirational speeches to people and tell them to be, who they want to be and follow their dreams if he doesn’t know who he is and what his dream is?

He was lost and alone and that wasn’t true because he had Phil. His best friend Phil Lester, the sun and angel and boyfriend and basically the reason he was still alive. Phil wasn’t lost in himself. Phil just was. He existed and enjoyed his life. Of course Dan knew Phil also sometimes worried about things and their way of life but Phil and Dan were different people presenting themselves differently to the public.

People watched Phil for the happy feeling he radiated. But Dan’s channel was different. Dan was relatable and sarcastic. Witty and clever and funny. And then even if many of their followers were the same people they acted certain ways interacting with each of them.

And so he was the one people asked deep questions and he gave some deep and also a bit evasive answers. But he was the one stuck answering things about his sexuality and clothes and Instagram photos. And every week before his liveshow he tried to find some term, any term that would fit him. Just to fail and when the question came (as much as he tried to ignore it) he had to make things up. Talk about not labelling himself, not caring about these things, breaking gender stereotypes and it was too much.

He was repeating himself. Trying too hard not to just say “I am sorry I don’t know who I am.” He knew it was okay but it wasn’t okay for him. He knew maybe saying that would help more people than insisting he just doesn’t like labels. It wasn’t like that was a lie. He didn’t like them. But he also wanted to fit somewhere. To say “Hey I am Dan and I fit in.”

And in the end there were too many labels on him for it to be possible to get rid of them all. But there were only three labels important for him. He was “Daniel Howell”, it was his name but now also his brand. He was famous and the name defined him. Even some really famous people heard about him and that’s who he was for them.

He was also “Dan” from “Dan and Phil” and as much as he insisted back in 2012 how they are not the same person, he wouldn’t trade this name for anything. They joked now how close they are and how they do all the things together and it was all fun and games but really for him Phil was everything. He was always there and he was his teenage dream and they lived together and sometimes Dan would just stop doing what he was working on and think about how that’s possible. How is it possible that he ended with Phil…

And that was his last label, the one that made him cringe thinking about how he stuck it on himself in front of a crowd of their fans, telling them all that yeah he was “Phil trash #1”.

So maybe he didn’t have himself figured out. Maybe he wasn’t sure what his sexuality is. But he had Phil. And he kind of didn’t think he will be looking for someone else anytime soon.

He was okay. He had a job he loved, he had a boyfriend and they lived a dream life. So why did he always have to think so much about everything?

**Author's Note:**

> i just want to tell all of you that saying you dont like labels is totally cool but feeling like you fit somewhere is like the best feeling in the world and as much as real life daniel howell really doesnt have to like labels you dont have to be like him. you are your own person and even if sometimes one label stops being good enough and you have to find a different one thats okay. it doesnt mean you should stop searching for the fitting one.  
> our whole life is just searching for who we really are and who we want to be  
> thank you for reading :)


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